I made the hard decision of leaving everything I knew in Arizona, and moving to a newold state. I'd lived here before, and I'm back now. The scariest part is I'm back, and I've found this guy who is ... almost stupidly amazing. I met him when I was here in May, and we just kept talking. It seems like he likes me. He wants to date me.
So what's the harm? The harm is I know that, at some point, I'm going to be too much. And the thing is - I can't remember feeling this way, this intent, this heavily into someone and yet so equally safe and protected, ever. I have those I love, those I'll always love. But no one else has made me feel so much ... me. And I know at some point, it's going to wear thin for him, and he'll be done.
And likely if anyone were reading this, they'd think I'm a fool, moving from one man to another. But J & I were done a long time before I ever considered moving. There was nothing left to us, nothing at all, and I wasn't about to pass up a chance with someone so magnificent as A. He's heartbreakingly sweet, and he makes me feel small in the best way possible - the way that makes me realize that he can protect me. I'm trying so hard to keep my neuroses in check.
But the smallest things set me off. Simple quotes, a song, a look ... I want to cry, because I'm emotional right now. Emotional for so many reasons, so much stress in me and my life and my heart and my head. And really, there's nothing much else I can say. So I keep trying to hide the sad, and the melancholy that hits me. And I can't keep doing it. But I don't want to be a mess to him, either.
I've fallen. I've fallen hard and fast and there's nothing I can do. And even if this fall kills me, I think it's worth it.
