I sleep well with A, for the most part. Better than I typically do. I think it's because of the routine we have when we go to bed. We read until tired, the lights go out, he turns over and snuggles me for a while. Usually by the time he's done snuggling me, I'm already asleep, or so close to it that I don't notice him turning to his other side. And when I wake up in the morning, he's got his arms around me again. I know the routine, though, because he's told me this is what he does. And I know if I start whimpering or having a nightmare, he'll touch me, soothe me.
Maybe it's the physical contact. Maybe? Pft. I know it's at least partially the physical contact. But I also feel mentally safer there than I have in a lot of other places. It's a good if somewhat odd feeling. But the contact does play into it...
I realized I like to touch. Not like to. Almost have a compulsion. I touch people on the arm, the shoulder. The person I'm with, I always end up stroking their back, their hand, what have you. I'm not sure why it's so important to me except that growing up, we didn't really hug much, we didn't cuddle all that much. It was waves and the like, not much more. I'm making up for that, most likely. But it doesn't work as well when you meet someone who's not as tactile-needy as I am. still trying to work that through.
Also, I recently learned I've got six smiles. A catalogued them for me - he thinks it's funny, and it makes him laugh. I don't remember what all they are - I told him he'd have to make me a list. But the ones I remember...
#2 - It's the nervous but excited smile I apparently get when trying to fit in with a group. Probably one of the closest things to a fake smile I have.
#6 - It's my sleepy smile. He says he sees it most mornings, when my eyes aren't quite open and my lips just curve.
#? - One of them is my sardonic smile, where a corner of my mouth lifts, and that's about it.
#?? - Another one is my "I'm really happy" smile.
He saw the really happy smile in person on Monday night. We went to his mother's for a 4th of July celebration, and when we were driving back in, we were guided by fireworks the whole time. A big one had just gone up in the air as we went under an overpass, and I was convinced we were going to miss seeing it explode. I kept my head up, and right as we got out from the overpass, and the moonroof was framing it, the firework went off.
It was beautiful. I forgot how much I loved fireworks until that night, and that one in specific. I know I must've looked like a dork, I know my hands were clasped in front of me and my mouth and eyes alike were wide, but I was SO HAPPY to see that firework go off, framed like it was. It was to me an almost perfect moment. A laughed, I remember that ... and immediately blushing and ducking to hide my stupidness. But he said it was sweet, and cute. I guess I'll have to take his word for it.
Going to be starting a new job here in just over a week. Looking forward to it as a way to earn money, but I already know the work's not going to challenge me, and I'll soon be looking for something else. Is that terrible of me to say? It's the truth. A's starting a job at the same place, same time. I'm hesitant on that, too - we spend most evenings together as it is. If we're around each other all the time, it'll be so easy for him to get sick of me. And I really don't want that to happen.
Think I'll keep in touch with the staffing agency, really push them on finding something for me so I have some better options than this position. I really don't want it, but I'll take it if I have to.
Not much else to say right now. This wasn't truly a coherent post, more the scattered bits of my brain.
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